How (not) to Date in Lockdown

Hello friends, it’s been a while.

I decided to give myself a little break from the weekly blog posts to spend some time writing my book. And guess how many hours I’ve put into the book? 1 fucking hour. Are we surprised at all? Not fucking really.

But I haven’t been dossing around too much, I have instead been imparting my wisdom on the dating world (see here and here for more of that), as well as scouring the dating apps for my future husband (not at all, I’m 24). Naturally I tried to continue the dating fun into lockdown 2.0, realising very quickly that now is the least ideal time to date, being lockdown and winter.

But a bumpy dating life makes for good content, so I thought why not bring my talents and stupid stories disguised as advice back to my pride and joy, AKA the blog. So here we are.

Outside dates

Back in the summer, we were all going on lovely long walks on the beaches with that lad we’d been chirpsing in previous weeks… I say ‘we’, I was actually in a relationship… And then mourning said relationship, but anyway. The point is, I would argue that dating was marginally easier in lockdown 1: there was sun, and everyone was using a lot more hand sanitiser.

Forgetting that it is now late autumn, I was thrilled when a lovely boy asked me on a date a few weeks back. We met up at Brightons Palace Pier and walked along the promenade towards a place selling takeaway pints. It all sounds quite romantic doesn’t it? Well it wasn’t.

10 minutes into the date, the heavens opened, my horrendous Poundland umbrella turned inside out and my hair went from blow dried to blown up. We soldiered on despite the now *hail*, and an hour later we were both drowned rats shivering away, sipping our pints that were at least 30% rainwater.

We hung around shivering in the dark (at 4pm), until eventually decided to give up.

If I’m honest, the date was actually pretty sweet, but that was due to my date being a pretty great guy, which in my experience, is rare. So I would suggest that a walking date in a freak Brighton hurricane is still generally a bad idea.

Breaking Lockdown to Shag a Random

Ok, it can hardly be described as a ‘date’, but in my experiences of the dating apps, there seems to be many people on the prowl for an illegal slice of hanky-panky. And by illegal I do still mean consensual and of age.

Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but if I planned to break lockdown, it wouldn’t be to shag someone who may or may not have Covid and/or the Clap.

So why are there so many men on the dating apps suggesting a cheeky lockdown shag? You want to make sure you’ve been talking to someone long enough to avoid the 3 Cs surely (covid, chlamydia, and Conservatives… Yes I did just coin that).

I even had one man asking to come pick me up from my house, take me to a town 20 mins drive away, and drop me back in the morning. Hun, I haven’t even been 20 minute walk away from my house during lockdown, I don’t need a shag that bad no matter what my previous tweets have hinted at.

So my advice is: don’t break lockdown for a ‘date’ at someone’s house, it will end in tears. Or kidnap.

Breaking Lockdown to Shag a Dickhead.

Similar to the last point, it can be tempting to go for a quickie when you’re invited to ‘come over and break lockdown’, especially after the mantra of the past flame: ‘miss you’. But we must respect Boris’ important rule: ‘don’t shag a twat’. I distinctly remember this line from the covid briefings, don’t you?

Just think: is it worth the £200 fine? If the answer is ‘probably not’, don’t do it. Instead remember my other favourite pandemic quote: “your best sexual partner is yourself” posted in big letters on this BBC article (this one is actually a real quote though).

Zoom dates are fucking weird

Going back to the slightly more typical lockdown dates (well for some anyway), another date option people have come to experience is the Zoom call date. I would personally brand this kind of date: awkward as fuck, but I am judging that on my experience of speed dating through Zoom. But some love it so let’s not bash it too much.

From my own experience of Zoom in general is that video calls can be kind of awkward as it is, with the slight time delays, the not knowing where to look etc., so a first date Zoom call is just a no from me. What do you do at the end of the date, kiss the screen? Kiss the camera? Take it in turns so you can both see each others’ lips up close and personal? I imagine not.

I do think the watch party option on Amazon Prime and Netflix is quite cute though, and I have done it with my mum. Not a date, obviously, but it is quite nice all the same, so this is one lockdown date idea I’ll allow. Having said that, it feels kind of a lame thing to ask someone to do, so I won’t personally be taking part.

Dating in a Post-Lockdown World

From my own experience, dating in lockdown has actually been surprisingly successful, despite all the bitching and moaning of the last 900 words, but it’s all about the content, eh? I am now in fact seeing a very pleasant boy, which came out of an awkward lockdown date [see ‘outside date’] so it can’t all be awful. But please do stay tuned to see how I balls it all up.

I do look forward to coming out of lockdown tomorrow (at the time of posting) and so my wild dating life can get back on track. Although less getting shit faced and no casual sex, so actually not at all. Plus maybe I’ll wait until the ballsing up of this current man goes before I get back on the scene.

Please do let me know your own dating stories during the mad old year of 2020, I would be honoured to read them all.

Thanks for reading! xoxoxoxo

p.s. Photo from header is by cottonbro 🙂


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