I’d like to start this post by saying that I may have come up with this title a little prematurely, and have actually spoke to a few lovely people on Hinge. And by ‘lovely’, I just mean not incredibly creepy. The bar is set extremely low lads.
Now that that terrible disclaimer is over, on with the show…
So everyone will know by now that I went through a break up in recent months… And as we’re all friends here, I thought we could continue exploring the journey of my love life together. And in the evolution of my dating career (?) I thought I’d experiment (again) with the world of dating apps, because there’s nothing more fun than laughing at my own misery and discomfort in this awkward world of ‘dating’, because as it turns out, around 70% of the people on dating apps are a little unHINGEd… I hope we all enjoyed that pun.
Anyway, the last time I was single, everyone was on Tinder, but apparently that’s just for shagging about nowadays, and so not super helpful in my quest for love (albeit, great for a funny story). So I thought I’d venture further into the App Store and try out Hinge.
(Disclaimer 2.0: I’m not necessarily looking for love right now, or a fuck buddy… Or any drama for that matter – I’ve have had enough of that for a life time. Just a good old fashioned funny story. And if I find love then so be it.)
As luck would have it, I also live in a house with 2 single girls, and for the first time in a while, a large proportion of my other gal pals are also single, so I have plenty of material for this blog post. In fact far too often I’ve found myself feeling like I’m in an episode of Sex and the City lately, discussing certain godawful dates… like the time a bird shat on my chips… Or asking about that thing that that guy asked me to do this one time… And has anyone else experienced this?
I won’t go into any further details in case my mum or anyone on LinkedIn is reading. This post is raunchy enough already.
My point is, tragic dating incidents make for great content, so here I am putting myself out there, waiting to have my £4 curly fries ruined again… (The curly fries represent my heart :(… )
So after discussing with the gals, I’ve come up with a full list of all the weirdos you WILL come across on dating apps…
I first realised I could write a blog about dating app disasters minutes after redownloading Tinder. I had gone onto the app, remembered how gross I found it, and deleted it less than 30 seconds later. In that time my profile of course had appeared to my an old ex who then messaged me asking if he’d just seen me on Tinder. Yes, it’s me, I’m back on the old meat market.
In all seriousness, what the bloody hell are the chances of that happening?! OK pretty high considering he’s a serial Tinder dater, and I’m ‘fresh meat’ to the app once again. OK – let’s move on as I know he reads the blog from time to time too (and because the meaty metaphors are making me feel queasy).
Right, this covers a fair few people you will come across on dating apps. From offering to eat cheese off my body (I’m still not completely against it…) to a self confessed sadistic nihilist who was speaking to my housemate. Men on dating apps are quite a breed…
I’ve done some maths, and discovered that if you speak to like 2 people a day for 2 months, you’ve probably spoken to at least one psychopath, and far too many Tories.
Thinking any Opinion About Pineapple on Pizza is Witty
It’s wild to me that men think they are the funnier gender. Maybe I’m just a tough crowd because I’m so hilarious, and it’s difficult to find a man on my level, who knows.
Anyway, the pineapple on pizza debate died its death many many years ago… Around the same time people stopped asking “did it hurt… When you fell from heaven…?” Although according to the men on my Hinge, that line is still very current.
Other unoriginal Hinge bios include ‘never have I ever been to Ikea’, or ‘Things you should know about me: I quote Peep Show/the US Office/*insert generic sit com here* all the time’.
Just get a life. Also Peep show is a 6/10 at best.
The Annoying Questions Guy
It’s nice to find out things about the person you’ve just started talking to, but sometimes it really starts to feels like a job interview with question after question: “what do you do? Where did you go to uni? What kind of music do you like?” and so on.
It’s those that you have the easiest chat with that creates the most enjoyable experience. Having said that, history has shown that some of the world’s shittest texters make the best dates.
Think that’s a Gandhi quote..?
The worst, most annoying question is of course, “So what are you looking for in this job- err app”. I start to get a bit sweaty around the knees when I hear this one. I don’t know mate, why do you like Peep Show so much? One variation on the question I once received was, ‘do you fancy a casual spoon?’ No thank you, the cutlery drawer is full.
The first person on Hinge who provided me with some engaging conversation turned out to be a little… odd. The short version is that I started talking to him on the Tuesday, and by Saturday I had to block him on everything. A less fun version of that Craig David song.
The Hinge boy had also tagged a friend of mine in his Instagram story blaming her for ruining everything between us. He also told a different friend of mine he could have given me everything and he reeeeeally liked me, and knew I liked him too. I’m sorry hun but take the block as a big old hint that I do not.
Anyway, I don’t think he’s dangerous at all, so don’t worry too much about my well-being, but take this as a reminder to stay safe out there ladies.
Maybe I’m the freak…?
In the words of Megan Thee Stallion, “Your honor I’m a freak, bitch”. I realised this as I told a lovely man that I was “sitting around waiting to get impregnated.” Is this why I can’t get a date? Am I the problem here? It would seem so. Luckily for me, the afore mentioned man didn’t scare too easily, and we’re still on good terms.
I’m not even that much of a freak, I just have more personality than any man who finds the fact they’ve never been to Ikea interesting. There I said it.
In conclusion, dating apps are actually pretty fun… I’ve had some very random conversations, for sure, but some great ones too. I have found out the top 5 cheeses of almost every man in Brighton between the ages of 25 – 30, and have learnt a lot from my findings, one being that some guys really try to turn every conversation into a sexy one (I’m gonna have to mention the horny 4 cheese man again), another being that brie is very popular.
I will continue to peruse the dating app scene for now, and will let you all know if I find any more particularly hilarious stories. Having said that, I just found out that casual sex is banned at the moment so is there even any point?!
Thanks for reading! Have a wonderful week, and let me know your most disastrous dating app stories pls & thx !